This is a quote from a blog, “Beggar’s Fortune.” I have no idea who it is, but he says something in there that I have noticed before in a restaurant and I have noticed now in my relationship w/ God:
“A few months ago I realized that God and I had become like that couple I feel sorry for in restaurants, aware of one another’s existence but never acknowledging it with eye contact, a syllable or smile. Maybe they’re still in love but they’ve reached the bottom of one another, run out of discoveries. Maybe the relationship evolved into a duty. Maybe there was a spat – over something that would seem trivial today if they could only remember what it was – and they each delayed “I’m sorry” until silence and avoidance just became their way of life. Maybe, somewhere in all the bustle of child raising, soccer practices and dance recitals, ladder climbing, house cleaning and 401K building they just got out of the habit of connecting and now they can’t remember how to.
I think that’s where God and I have been for the last – I’m ashamed to say it – couple years. Maybe more. I can’t remember it happening. I just realized not long ago that it did.”
This is perhaps one of the reasons I am happy to have left The Garden. Because I would almost rather be angry and in rebellion than having this kind of suffocating relationship, and I feel like I’ve been stuck in this for the last several years.
Yes, perhaps this silent relationship is between me and God, not me and The Garden. Church and God though, hard to separate. I know the difference in my head, but it’s hard to feel it in my heart.
“I’m not depressed anymore but I’m not well either. I’m afraid to read the comments on my blog and on Facebook. As well-intentioned and loving as they may be, the words of Christians pose a greater risk to my faith right now than the words of any renowned reasoned atheist. I can’t explain why, but they do. And I’m angry at God sometimes for reasons I don’t completely understand.”
This is just a warning. If you’re thinking that I left The Garden because I was spiritually lacking, I might just leave the church altogether. If you’re going to tell me more about working on my character, I might show you the worst part about my character, represented by the middle finger. Character, character, more character. All we ever worked on was our character. “How are you ever going to get married w/ that character?” Someone said this to me with a serious face. So holy art though, you judgemental piece of crap. How’s that for character? Watch me get married w/ it still in tact.
GAWD it feels so much better to be openly angry than to constantly try to humbly make up excuses for it!
Not going to leave a comment referencing church or character. Just acknowledging that I read what you wrote and am listening.
Just caught up with your last few blogs. I’m glad you’re writing again.
me too (what yip said)
You left the Garden? Where are you now?